tl;dr

Stalking relevant tags to see if I can find people at my uni 

why are there no places to start rowing near here >_<　

I know at some point in the future things will have to change. Everything changes, it’s practically a law of physics/nature/whatever. But it’s still unpleasant to think about…

.

I don’t know how to start this, so a sentence saying I don’t know how to start this is probably one way to. I have so many thoughts fighting to come out of my brain into this post that I can’t seem to get any of them out.  The divide between what I feel on the surface and what I subconsciously feel has become blurred to the point that I don’t know what I feel. I once said to you that I didn’t want any feelings whatsoever, and this was one of the reasons why. To not have this turmoil inside.

I’m going to try and be completely and painfully honest now. Before it gets buried and then comes back to get me the next time I feel like this.

Sometimes I think I’m not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. 

I want the intimacy, I need the intimacy, the touches and the kissing and the emotional comfort and tenderness and all those things that come with having that, having someone. 

But I was scared of fucking up. I think it was the whole sub-conscious lack of confidence thing. Idek. Scared of getting hurt, and scared of hurting you, the girl who is now the person who I am closest to on this entire earth. I’m not sure you knew how much I meant that the first time I said it, but I meant it when I said I told you stuff that I couldn’t tell anyone else.  

You said I lied to you about something important, and I’m not sure what it was. If it was what I think it was, then I’m sorry if it hurt or offended you, and I only did it because I thought they needed support or something equally misguided. 

With regards to the arms around other girls, I don’t know what specific photo(s) you meant. Tell me?

Carrying on with the complete and painful honesty theme, I have only kissed 2 people since we broke up. I drunkenly kissed Tom as a dare (I think it was a dare or something like that, I genuinely do not remember. I was really drunk -to the point that I faceplanted a bush on the way to the bus into town) on the bus into town on Tweedie’s birthday party (during Easter) but we didn’t actually make out (no tongue, it was more like we mashed faces for half a second) and he was sitting next to his boyfriend. The other person was a peck on the lips and then she proceeded to make out fully and publicly with my friend even though she is living with him next year.

Apart from that, that’s it. I haven’t made out with anyone, or done anything else with anyone, at all. I’m in the friend grand fucking canyon with every girl here that I know. I have nobody. All that socializing and nothing to show for it. I have nobody that I’m really close to here. Everyone else seems to be able to make really close friends already but I must just take extra long. I can’t talk to people because I know that they all talk to each other and it won’t stay private, and I can’t talk to a stranger because they won’t understand the whole situation and I can’t hug them and bury my head in their neck. 

The thought of you being someone else’s is really painful right now. 

Stupid throat lumps. Stupid nose goo. Stupid eye water.

I miss you, you’re the only person who can stop me feeling like this right now. You are my fucking rock, Charlotte Earles.

I was grinning like a fucking mental person for the first half hour when we went to the cinema, did you notice? That’s the effect you had on me. 

my skin has been weirdly good lately.

I got this new bulldog face stuff and I’m trying to wash my face everyday which is probably helping.

couldn’t deal with losing at fifa 2 games in a row